Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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