he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
