its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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