I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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