Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
