i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
