well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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