shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize