whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
