For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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