i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
