Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
