when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
