You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
