$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
