hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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