dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
