I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
