My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
