Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize