Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
