Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
