He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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