I wish I only lived at night.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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