Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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