As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I need to sanitize my soul.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
