i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
