Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
