im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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