He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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