The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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