the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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