3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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