plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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