Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize