For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I need to calm my uterus...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
