I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
