god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
