i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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