Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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