watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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