my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize