I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
