Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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