birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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