So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
