so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
