So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
