So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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