I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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