I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
