My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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