What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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