Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
