he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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