I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
