Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
