i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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